The fists are not the hammer
by NightAssassin
Summary: one-shot, going a little bit more into what happened after Dr. Horrible lost Penny to Captain Hammer at the laundromat. Penny gets a pretty nasty shock.


The fists are not the hammer

**Alright, everyone was thinking it. I just put it into a story. Sexual content, not for the easily offended. Consider yourself warned. **

"She's with the Captain Hammer. And these," Captain Hammer said, gesturing to his fists, "are not the hammer." He walked off, gloating in his own mind about winning a battle of wits against the P.H.D. man and leaving the wimp seething. He then had a second thought (a somewhat rare occurrence); had he been too subtle? Sometimes people didn't understand what he said when he was talking…but then, Hammer considered himself a notch smarter than the rest. He turned to clarify.

"The hammer is my penis," he said. Dr. Horrible's face clearly showed how angry he was. Penny turned a corner at precisely the right time, and Hammer smiled and led her away. He walked a step taller knowing that he had humiliated the city's most notorious villain, without (for once) even raising a fist! Yes, life, indeed, was good.

"So that was Billy," Penny said as Hammer held his car door open for her. "Isn't he—"

Hammer closed the door after she pulled her legs into the car, effectively cutting off her sentence. He paused to think for a second. Pretend he hadn't recognized Dr. Horrible? Check. And now, he would say that "Billy" was…what? What would he pretend to think of Billy?

He walked around to the driver's side of the car, thought a second more, and ducked to get in the car.

"So that was Billy," Penny said again, a little more awkwardly than she had the first time. "What did you think of him?"

"He's harmless," Hammer said, sounding suave in his mind.

"Harmless?" Penny asked.

"I like to size up every man I meet," Hammer said. "It's a heroic strategy." Penny didn't immediately swoon at his heroic mindset. Hammer's multi-thousand dollar grin fell a little when the briefest of pauses entered the conversation. He immediately reached for the big guns. "I've saved many lives doing such."

"I see," Penny said. The remark was fairly noncommental, but it was something, at least. He definitely wanted her thinking "hero" when they got back to his place.

Penny talked for a while, prattling on and on about the homeless. She always talked about the homeless—didn't she have any hobbies or anything? Hammer nodded and smiled at the right times, but mostly tuned her out. He was already back in his room, undressed, already working on making sweet, sweet love in his mind. Penny excitedly spoke about the new homeless shelter, Hammer excitedly glanced at her from time to time, envisioning her naked. How would those knockers look without a shirt over them?

"Watch out!" Penny suddenly shouted. As always, when the crisis situation came, Hammer's body took over. Not as always, his body swerved him across the yellow line dividing the lanes. Hammer got a glimpse of the cat that he'd nearly ran into before getting a glimpse of the car he was about to run into head-on. He turned further left into a driveway, quite ignoring the blast of horn that nearly clipped his car on the right.

Penny screamed as the car passed. Hammer slammed on the breaks after the car turned into the driveway, got out, and examined his car. None of the paint had been scratched; Hammer turned to shout profanities at the car that had nearly hit him (now long gone).

"Captain Hammer!" Penny said, stumbling out of the car, falling into his arms. All thoughts of road rage instantly vanished from his mind. "You saved that poor kitten in the road…and you saved my life, too!"

Hammer had a most unusual moment of self-doubt. Hadn't he put both of them in danger in the first place? He quickly brushed it off; there was swooning to be had.

"Yes I did," Hammer said. "It was nothing." He grinned heroically.

"Oh, but whose driveway is this? We should get going…but I don't think I can get back into a car ever again—"

"This is my driveway," Hammer said. "We can stay here."

"I was so scared," Penny said, and let Hammer catch her in a hug. He stood there for a few moments, stroking her hair, letting her catch her breath a little. To his credit, he only checked his watch behind her head once.

"Come on, let's sooth your frayed nerves inside," Hammer said. "Welcome to my fortress of solitude."

Penny glanced around the suburbia, then Hammer's house. "It's very nice," she mumbled.

"It's even nicer inside," Hammer said, taking her by the arm and leading her inside. The door shut behind them, and Hammer flipped the light switch. "Behold," he said as the light flooded the room, illuminating several expensive-looking portraits of Hammer amidst a very expensive-looking interior. Penny's eyes lit up.

"Wow," she said, and immediately started around the room, taking in everything. "These look just like you," she said, smiling at the paintings.

"Don't they just?" Hammer said, casually, heroically putting a leg up on the couch. "So, what do you think of the place?"

"It's wonderful," Penny said, but her face fell slightly. "But it's so sad to think that so many people will never get to even imagine having money, let alone…"

And off she went again, thinking about the world's problems instead of the awesome home she was in. But, Hammer supposed, that was the problem with women: always thinking, never doing. His mind turned again to her _sans_ clothes, now wondering if she shaved her beaver or not…and not having to be sidetracked by such a stupid thing as driving. His imagination quickly got his blood flowing.

Now, then, how could he get her to stop wandering about the room as she delivered her monologue? Hm…his photo albums! Three of them sat on the table. Was Penny still talking?

"…and his life never was the same after that, but—"

"Would you like to see my photo albums?" Hammer asked.

"Oh, um, sure, yeah," Penny stuttered out. The two simultaneously sat on the couch, and Hammer grabbed one of them.

"This one," he flipped it open to the first page, "is me beating up a small-name villain, Johnny Snow." Hammer didn't even glance down; he had quite memorized the order of the pictures for each album.

Time passed, pictures crawled by. "And this one is the Demon Colt, a sort of Bad Horse imposter—"

"Could we look at a different album?" Penny asked. Hammer was almost as surprised at being interrupted as he was at her quiet tone of voice.

"What's the matter?" Hammer asked. "Are you not enjoying my catalogue of…" he glanced at the cover and read the title, "heroic triumphs?"

"No, it's not that…but I mean, what's in this one, for example?" She reached for a large, gold-plated one.

"Babe, what's the matter?" Hammer asked, putting a firm hand down on top of the big picture album. That one was special; filled entirely with shots of him beating up Dr. Horrible. He certainly couldn't have Penny recognizing her precious Billy.

"I'm just feeling a little low," Penny said, her eyes grazing the ground. "You're such a hero, and I'm just…no one."

Hammer saw the opportunity and took it.

"Penny baby, you're not a no one to me." He took her in and kissed her. She hesitated a second before kissing him back. Long seconds passed, Hammer felt himself getting aroused again, and took a chance. His hands roamed, first across her back, lower, quickly squeezed one of her ass cheeks. She didn't protest, but her own hand stayed where they were on Hammer's mid-back.

His hands now roamed up her shirt, pleased to find her nipples quite erect. Penny's hands dropped down, fumbled a second, then caught Hammer's belt. They paused, unsure, then undid the belt's fastenings.

She picked her hands up as Hammer pulled her shirt over her head, then returned to his pants. He knew she could feel his dick, rock hard.

He quickly undressed her: she was not shaven, but pretty neatly trimmed, which was good enough. He pressed his hand against her clit, and she moaned. He stopped so that she could start undressing him. His shirt off; she reached into his pants.

"What the hell?" she said. She undid his fly, and from his pants pulled a hammer. "Your penis is…a hammer?" she asked, taking a step back. "An actual hammer?"

"Yep," Hammer said proudly. He'd touched her vagina, and she had touched his hammer-penis with her hand, and as far as he knew, that was actual sex.

"I'm…I'm not quite sure what…"

"That's alright, standard reaction," Hammer said, still clueless to Penny's disgust.

"I don't…I can't…Penny quickly pulled on her underwear, and fell over trying to get back into her pants.

"Let me help you up," Hammer said. He stood up and walked over to Penny, the hammer at his crotch swinging grotesquely with every step. Penny choked back a scream as she quickly stood up.

"No, I'm fine. Um, I've, um, got to go." Penny buttoned her jeans, grabbed her bra and shirt, and ran for the door.

"Baby, you don't have a ride," Hammer called out.

"I'll take the bus, it's fine!" Penny struggled with her bra in front of the door.

"If you wanna go again some time…" Hammer waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I'll…think about it," Penny said, and disappeared out the door. "Good night!" she threw over her shoulder.

"Good night, baby," Hammer said. He was gleeful. Her "thinking about it" was a far cry from never seeing her again, such as it was with most women after he "slept" with them.

Captain Hammer, still a virgin (although he didn't know it), whistled as he dressed himself. Life was good.

With the shower running the next morning, Hammer didn't realize that Penny had called. The phone rang until the machine picked up.

Hello, you have reached the home of the amazing Captain Hammer. I'm probably off kicking bad-guy ass, so leave a message and I might even call you back.

"Hi, Captain, this is Penny. Um, I'm sorry about last night. I…shouldn't have run off like that. I still owe you my life, of course…but, um, I was just taken a little off-guard last night. Anyways, I hope you still show up at the ceremony tonight, and…I'll see you there? Bye."

Captain Hammer smiled. Score.


End file.
